Thoughts and Wanderings

The past few days my brain has been buzzing with all kinds of thoughts. Thoughts ranging from the insane to the very dull. Oh....if you could only be inside my head! Well here's a try at it anyways. By the way, the Snoopy cartoon above is right on the money! :)

I've got a sink full of dishes, no clean clothes, and a half mown lawn that all needs taking care of. I have 1 day to do it. Monday.

Jon and I got to talk, twice, yeah! He told me he is putting in a packet to become a non-commissioned officer. What is that? Umm....something like an officer that doesn't really deal with people, but has to do something....something....I don't really know what that is though. :/

I'm trying to keep up with a Nehemiah study that I'm sort of doing with a great group of ladies. But when am I finding the time?! Ugh. I want to do it so bad, but I've only been home for such short spurts this past week. Usually just long enough to grab some food before leaving again.

I need LESS to do!

The Nehemiah study is SO good when I find time. I NEED to make time for this.

The dog needs to get another skin scrape and I think she still needs to finish her puppy shots. How much is all this going to cost? Oh well, it has to at least wait until payday. Poor doggy, she is so itchy. :(

Amara has some testing on the 1st and 2nd. I hope she can pay attention to do it all. Thats a long time for her to focus. Hmm....changing meds after she does the testing to try and get her ADHD under control. I hope the results come back quick.

Wow, crazy dreams I've been having. People I know are hanging people I love and chasing me like I'm the monster in an old horror flick. Scary. Glad I woke up from those!

I still have mice in the house. Man are they NOISY! Gotta call the pest control and get them to come do something about them. Great, just what I need, more to do.

OH yea, we need to do school work. Now where are those books?

The van needs to get cleaned out, its a mess, inside and out. The rest of the apartment stuff is still in the back and I know that some school books are somewhere in there, along with some snacks.

Does anyone else think in song? I mean like there is ALWAYS a song going on in my head. And then whenever I hear something or talk to someone, it usually triggers a song. Its crazy I know. It's even crazier when the person is being all serious and then I'm trying not to giggle because I have some strange song in my head because whatever they're talking about has triggered a few key words or phrases from the millions of songs I know and that song is now going on and on and on in my head!

Our cell phone bill was insane this past month. Stupid international roaming charges. Oh that reminds me, I have to do the bills for the next check and see how much we will have left to live on. But gas is down now, so at least that helps some.

The kids have Club FX (a big group time for K-5th graders) next Sunday. Tay will sit through it, but Amara usually doesn't and I have to play night service that night. What to do with Amara? Maybe she can hang out in the lobby on the couches while I play. She's not going to like that, oh well I guess.

Soccer practices Wednesday night, games on Saturday morning. I have to cater Saturday too. I'm not so sure I'm making enough to keep this up. I'm going to have to take a long hard look at this when I get a chance to breath.

I need to go to the grocery store. I need food in this house.

I still have 2 boxes that need to get unpacked to be officially "moved in" and I have pictures and shelves to hang. I hate hanging things. I need to buy a switcher before I unpack the Wii and hook it up because I don't have space for it. But Tay's been asking to play it, maybe I can find a way to do it without the switcher. Jon usually handles this stuff. Electronics hate me.

I'm so tired all the time. I wish I could actually sleep, or at the very least when I do sleep, to sleep well and not wake up every 30 minutes. I'm so stressed out and tired all the time. I need a vacation from all my responsibilities, including the kids, but thats not going to happen. Well, hopefully things will slow down a bit after this week.

Oh wait, I have to order Amara's end of year test. Which one am I going to get? *sigh...


Well, if you've stuck with me this far, the kudos to you! Thats a small peek into my thoughts. It's not pretty and organized like most of my posts, but right now, this is the best I can do. I hope your weeks have been easier than mine.

God bless!
-Mya

Secrets of a Navy Wife

So I've decided to do some installments on here called "Secrets of a Navy Wife". Basically these will be posts that go deeper into what its like  to be a Navy wife left back home with the kids. I'm note sure how often these will pop up, but trust me, they'll be worth the read. :)

There are some things that go on in any military wife's life that people on the outside can see. Things that they know, on the surface without having to think or be told, that she has to deal with. Being a single parent is one of them. Another is having to do the bills and handle all the finances while the husband is away. Some things that people don't think about are the fact that every home repair and all the yard work are now on her. But those aren't the type of things I want to talk about right now.

Right now I want to let you in on a secret that I haven't told many people. It's a secret of how I cope a little bit better with the fact that he's gone. It helps me sleep a little better. It makes my sad days a little less sad. It takes away some of that stress from the kids and the world. It comforts me. What's my secret? Well, when Jon is gone, I take his cologne, his favorite cologne that he wears every day after showering, and spray it on his pillow and on his sweatshirt (or mine). That way, when I lay down for bed at night (or a good cry), I smell him. When I'm feeling blue and toss on his big sweatshirt, I smell him.

Theres just something about smell. It holds memories and feelings like nothing else can. Maybe for you, the smell of apple pie makes you think of your Grandma, or the smell of orange blossoms, makes you think of wonderfully hot summer days. Massage therapists use aromatherapy (smells) to help you relax. Scent is a powerful tool. And thats how I make it a little bit better, a little bit easier, a little bit less cruddy. While I'm typing this, I'm wearing my new Enterprise sweatshirt thats been sprayed with Jon's cologne. Ever once in a while, I catch the scent and close my eyes, and I can almost picture Jon next to me on the couch. Its wonderful!




Another secret, is that a lot of times, it really annoys me when people ask how we're doing or how we are handling things with Jon being away. Now, please don't get me wrong. I know that most people ask because they truly care and want to know. But, sometimes people ask out of habit or because they feel like they have to. I HATE this. I've post things on Facebook and on this blog so I can avoid having to talk about things all the time. It hurts to have to re-live the same stories about how hard things are with Jon gone, or how he is having a hard time, over and over and over again. It hurts, almost to where I might cry, or can't talk, or breath. I know people mean well, but meaning well can hurt. While I'm on the subject, another secret is that Navy wives (or military wives in general) get lots of people who say things like "if you need anything call me", but when it comes down to it, they are just trying to be nice, but if you really need help, they can't or won't.

Again, don't get me wrong, meaning well is nice, and the thought of trying to help is nice. But sometimes, your "helping" can really be hurting. If you feel like I'm pointing the finger at you, then maybe you're guilty of doing these things. I know I've been guilty of "meaning well" and not following through. I know that I've been trying to change how I respond to those "meaning well" people (because I can be very bitter), and how I speak to other families who's spouse is away. It's hard. It takes a lot of conscious effort to not vacantly ask how someone is doing and then walk away and forget about what they said. Instead, I've been trying to ask questions like, "what are some things you need help with?" or "what can i pray about for you?" or "what can I do to help you?" and either write it down or schedule it there on the spot. I'm not saying I do this every time, but I'm working on it.

I hope you've enjoyed this first installment of "Secrets of a Navy Wife". Questions or comments are welcomed and if you have a specific topic you'd like me to address, please let me know.

<3 to ALL,
Mya

Soccer...Soccer...Soccer...

Saturday the girls got to fulfill a dream that they've had for quite a while. They FINALLY got to play soccer on a team! And they are/were thrilled. They've asked for a few years now to play soccer, but we always miss the sign-ups because they are months before the season starts. Well, we lucked out and got two spots on the YMCA team the week before they started. :) The girls both did great, especially for never having played on a team before. It looks like Amara will be playing Goalie, because she really wants to! I also got talked into Coaching a team (I know, I know, like I don't have enough to do?!). It actually isn't supposed to take up too much time, and since I will be there for practices and games anyways, I said why not?! So I will be coaching Tay's team (because Amara didn't want me to coach hers, go figure).

Amara used her phone for the first time this weekend. She got upset at church and called me. Unfortunately, it wasn't before she had started screaming and yelling, but it was before she hit/kicked or threw anything. So....an improvement I guess? I'm counting it as a win. She used the phone for what its meant for, and made a real effort to call me and calm down before getting upset. It's a work in progress, but I'm hopeful that it will help in the long run.


My arm is doing much better this week. I'm completely out of the sling and have full movement in my arm (yeah!). It's still a little weak, and hurts if I move it the wrong way, but I can clean, cook and play bass, so I'm happy! We've been busy doing school work (or trying to) and home improvements. Jon is doing okay. Work is hard right now for them and there is some dangerous stuff going on overseas, as you've probably seen on the news. I am thankful that we get to talk when they are in port and that he has easy access to his email. Those two perks definitely make the deployment easier. I'm getting ready to send out a care package to him. I'm trying to think of good things to put in it and I have some ideas. I know that people have asked about sending care packages, and yes, Jon would love to hear from people and get some things from home. If you are interested in either contributing to a package I send, or sending one yourself, please contact me. I can give you a list of things he might like or need, and his mailing address. Thank you all for the prayers. We are very thankful to have such wonderful friends who care about us.


"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy" (Phillipians 1:3-4)


Love you all! -Mya

Changes Ahead

Right now our family is going through a lot of changes. Changes can be good, they can also be scary. Especially when you know things are changing for you, but your not sure why.

I hurt my arm last week and have had to take things very slow. If you know me, oh know that I not slow own for anything. Well, I didn't really have a choice because I've been in a sling. I like to do things on my own and I don't like having to ask for help. Especially with everyday things that I should be Ble to do. Well, being one handed, I had to get help. I couldn't lift pans out the oven, fold laundry, or even help my 5yr old properly wash her thick hair. That was a big deal for me to get help. But I was and am so blessed to have friends who care for us and are willing to help. Thank you to those who helped us!

But, I was talking about changes and there I go off topic again. Amara had a good week. Both kids have cell phones, nd I dont know if it's knowing thy can reh us anytime, or just a good week, but so far so good. I also took a break from the choir and band. Playing music/leading worship is something I've always felt called to. Now is no different. But with everything happening in our family, I feel like God is calling me to focus on my family right now. This is hard for me. I love leading worship! I've helped lead worship in some capacity for the past 9 yrs at Liberty. Taking a brek was not in my plans, but apparently it was in God's. And I can't argue with that.

I feel like God has been pulling us away from things. From friends, church activities, things we love. And it's always hard when you leave something behind, but I fel it's even harder when you can't understand why. So I have all the why's and what if's running through my head. Why do I feel like I'm losing my friends? Why do we have to give up oing things we like? What is all this for? Is Sgod preparing us to move away, or just move on? How do I plan or the next school year if we not know here we will be? Do I go ahead like we are staying? Or do I wait? There's so many questions and very few answers. Its frustrating, and frankly there's a lot of times when I'm just angry with God. And I dont think there's anything wrong with being angry at God. He is patient and waits for me to stop throwing my tantrum so that He can speak to me. but I think about my kids when I think of being angry at God. I tell my kids sometimes that when they're angry, I can't speak to them, because they won't listen. And then sometimes, I have to tell them that they just have to wait until they're older, or later, until they will understand why something happened. I feel like that's what God is telling me now. "just wait, be patient. I know you don't understand why this is happening, but I do and I will protect you. Trust Me." but it's hard.

So here we are, in a state of limbo (or so it seems). Waiting on answers. Waiting on God.

Love to all,
Mya

A Mood Disorder Blog

This is the standard picture we get at appointments. How do you feel? Point to a face and tell us. Well...we had to add another face because "angry" isn't on there.


I happened across this blog and had to share it with all of you. This woman describes so perfectly what its like to live with a child with a mood disorder. Please read this older post of hers, I think it will give you some real insight into what its like. If you want to read more, head over to her blog My Son Has 2 Brains: A Mood Disorder Blog: Rages: and check out the "important posts" on the right side.


With Love,
Mya

I never imagined when I held my newborn son that someday I’d be trained by a therapist how to “hold” my son while he’s in a rage. If you’ve never witnessed a child you love go into an uncontrollable rage, let me try and paint you the picture. 

You’re starting your morning out by feeding your children when you realize that you’re all out of bagels. Now most parents would just roll their eyes, add bagels to the grocery list, then search for another food to serve for breakfast. But for a parent with a mood disorder child, your reaction is much more intense. You start to feel panic and your heart races a little (as mine is now as I recall this common event), then you jump into deep waters as you tell your son that “sorry we’re all out of bagels”. Then you switch over to your defensive mode as you prepare for his response.

Now on some days, you’re elated to see that it’s no problem and that oatmeal will be just as good, then other times you watch with fear as your son starts to rev up. His tone becomes louder and he throws his dish across the counter as he knocks his chair over yelling “FINE, THEN I’ll GO HUNGRY SINCE THERE’S NOTHING TO EAT!!!” Then the behavior intensifies as he runs upstairs. As you follow, to get him back downstairs, he starts to throw stuff at you, then purposely knocks over furniture and begins throwing things at his brothers. In hopes to stop his progression, I use 1,2,3 Magic (a timeout method taught by our doctor). Once he gets to “3”, I tell him he has to go into a timeout. That’s usually where things become more severe. Within moments he’s punched or kicked one of his innocent brothers or myself. As you try and physically stop his punches by placing him into a hold, he turns into a wild animal. He begins to scream uncontrollably, he even begins to growl at you, while his head thrashes around, trying to “head-butt” you or he stretches to bite you, which he has many times. He uses his feet to stomp on your own feet and kicks at anything he can. With all the adrenalin that’s pumping through his body, he becomes much stronger than he normally is. The entire time you’re trying your best to remain calm (because if you escalate, he’ll follow). Having been there before, you know that things can get worse. You become afraid of your own child, yet are desperate to protect your other kids, taking all the abuse you can.

Being a petite woman, my son is fast approaching my height and it’s physically challenging to maintain control. I’ve been trained by our therapist to become a wrestler, to maneuver my body around my son’s so I can safely hold my son in a position while he fights against me, as we wait for his body to calm back down. This sounds so much easier than it is, I’ve found that I’m not very good at wrestling. In fact, recently I received a “head-butt” to my face that caused me to bite my tongue and bleed. I should’ve kept my head to the right of his, but when you’re in the moment, it’s so difficult to remember those small, yet important details.
Last summer, we were taught to put our son into his room and keep the door closed so he could let his rage out in a confined space away from other people, keeping us all safe. In our early attempts to do this, my son slammed a chair through his door, yep, I had chair legs pointing at me through a gaping hole he put in his door. After that, during timeouts, he’d use this hole to stab his play swords at me through the hole as I held the door. But quickly our therapist advised us to put particle board on the entire inside of his door so he could beat up the door without coming through it and to use a lock on the door to avoid the constant struggle of holding him in. The less interaction he had, the quicker he’d calm back down. 

My son’s rages can be felt in advance with subtle signs such as irritability, rudeness or negativity, but unfortunately, you can’t tell the moment that will cause the explosion. Will it be the word “no” when he’s told he can’t have more cookies, will it be losing a game with his brothers, will it be over feelings of frustration over his homework or will it be the fact that I don’t have anymore bagels? Without knowing, we’re all learning to walk on eggshells. 

But one thing is for certain, after a rage our son will return to his sweet, respectful and considerate self. If you asked him why he was attacking his mom, he’d say “I don’t know why.” 

As I type this blog, it’s ironic that I was just interrupted by my son going into a rage. At this moment I’m still recovering. Thankfully, my husband just came home and took over. I’m sweating, my heart is pounding, my stomach is sick from the stress of the situation. My hand is swelled in pain from trying to hold the door closed after my son broke the lock on his bedroom door after I put him into his timeout. I was bit, hit, kicked. Shoes were thrown at my head and a toy with a sharp tip was held up like he was going to stab me with it. I was able to take it away. I know that downstairs, where the rage began, our house has been messed up with things thrown about. Emotionally I feel abused, I’m trying not to cry, I feel very sad for my other children who heard me screaming in pain. I’m still upset with my son right now, but in about 30 minutes, I’ll be able to let it go and once again remember that this is his illness, not my son that just attacked me when I tried to send him into a timeout for being mean to his little brother.

A Look Into Our Weeks

This past week was spent basically going to a million different appointments. I was purposefully vague earlier in the week when I posted on Facebook. Well I will be a little more open here.

Last Saturday and then again on Monday, amara tried to run away from home. You may recall that she has tried this before. So we had a lot o talk about on Tuesday with her counselor, and Thursday with her psychiatrist. We are (again) hanging her meds around to try and help things out. We are installing door chimes and the girls will both be getting kid type cell phones. Mainly for GPS purposes, but we are hoping it will help with some of the outbursts, and meltdowns if they have a way to reach us at all times. We will see how it goes!

Amara was supposed to do academic and cognitive testing on Wednesday. Well that didn't turn out as planned. The doctor only did an evaluation to find out exactly hat testing to o. :/ so now, father waiing 3 nths for the appointment, we have to wait until May 1st for the actual testing. This normally wouldn't be a problem except that we re trying to get her on the Exceptional Family Member Program (efmp) with the miltary. This program will make sure that e only move to an area that has the health services she needs. And this takes months to do. Ugh! It's all just too frustrating!

On top of that, Wednesday I hurt my arm. Okay so nothing too new with me hurting myself, but I isn't deserve this! I reached for my purse, and while reaching (not holding, touching or overextending anything) my elbow just went. And I mean WENT! I couldn't move my arm without pain. Bad enough that iactully went to the doctor (and if you know me, that's a big deal!). I ended up in a sling with pain meds. Hoping it's better on, because this one arm thing is lame!

Jon made it to Greece. He had a lot of fun there and we got to talk on the phone for the low low price of $50 for 19 minutes! (sarcasm) but at least we got to talk. :) He is lucky to have one good friends on this cruise with him. He tried to usehisbank card to itch drawl money at the ATM, only to have it ten by said ATM. And to make it better, that was the only card he had on him (no credit cards or anything else). So now I have to get him a new card nd send it along. But fortunately, his friends paid for his stuff in exchange for using his phone and the promise of being paid back.

We had fun with wonderful friends Thursday night and the kids did an Easter egg hunt. It was nice to hang out and enjoy each others' company after our crazy week. I still haven't found anyone to do my oath to renew my drivers license. But I'm working on it. So, that's a week in our lives! Crazy busy, lots of stress, but some good things in the mix.

Love to all, Mya

Mouse Slayer Extraordinaire

Today I earned a new hat. Exterminator or Mouse Slayer. yep. I felt like Super Woman!

Quite comical actually. I found a mouse that somehow had gotten into our bathtub and couldn't get out. So I got a container and scooped it up. Well, what to do with it now?! I didn't want to release it outside for fear that it might find its way back inside. And I definitely wasn't going to touch it! yes, go ahead and think "you're such a girl!" because I SO am when it comes to things like this.

I always imagine mice looking something like this....

                                           when really, they probably look more like this....


So I had to think of what was the most humane way to kill this teeny tiny mouse. I couldn't smash it, although one good hit would be swift and probably painless (that was suggested, but I couldn't figure out how to do that in the container at the time). So I decided to suffocate it. Quick, Painless, and best of all, no blood. I stuck it in a ziploc bag and then put that inside the container and stuck it all in the freezer. Weird, I know. And gross. But it worked. And I wasn't scarred for life from having to smash some poor creature.

Oh the woes of not having a husband at home to do the dirty work! LOL

What else has been happening? Nothing, and everything at the same time. I've been doing a lot of reading and things around the house to keep busy and keep my mind off of Jon's deployment. The kids are doing great with school and are getting tons of exercise in the backyard. And of course, I'm not sleeping. Ugh...I really hate insomnia. I mean, theres only SO MUCH you can find to do in the middle of the night! (writing blog posts is one of them) Oh, I did read all 3 books of The Hunger Games and they were really good!

There are some big appointments coming up that you guys can be praying for. One, Amara has her cognitive and academic testing next Wednesday. This is a big deal. This test will tell us if she has any learning disorders. This information will help her psychiatrist to better diagnose her. The next, is obviously the psychiatrist appointment on Thursday of next week. Also, of course, please be praying for Jon while he is deployed, for me as I take on both parenting roles, and for the girls while they adjust to Daddy being gone. Thank you for your prayers!

Love to all,
Mya the Mouse Slayer ;)

The Long Road Ahead...

So much has happened in the last month that I haven't had time to make any posts. So here's some updates on the road ahead for our family.

I gave my testimony in front of around 70 women in February. I've been freaking out about it for quite a while before hand. But it turns out (like it always does), when you are in God's will and doing what He tells you to, that things go well. :) It went over very well and there was good response to what I had to say. I was very surprised, but very pleased with how it went.



March 6 Jon and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. We went away for a night at a bed and breakfast/spa. It was fantastic! We got massages, ate WAY too much gourmet food at Ruth's Chris, and just enjoyed a kidless night! Then, we went and got ring tattoos. :D I can't believe its been 10 years! The time has flown by and I love him more and more each day. I can't wait to spend another 10 years with my best friend.

On March 5, we moved into a rental home. This is our first time to ever live in a house as a married couple/family. We are thrilled and it couldn't be a better situation. The kids were so excited, they kept asking for like 2 weeks if it was moving day. LOL. With the house, we promised the kids a dog. So we promptly went to one of the local SPCA's and picked out the cutest puppy we could find. Her name is Charlie and she is a Retriever/Lab mix. Charlie is Amara's new best friend. She naps with her and plays with her, and Amara couldn't be happier. Tay loves the puppy too, but the puppy is still getting used to her. They have been great with her.





Through all the craziness of moving, getting a dog, celebrating our anniversary, and the business of all our regular appointments, we were getting ready for Jon's deployment. This year makes 10 years on the USS Enterprise. It's also the ship's final deployment before being decommissioned, and Jon's 5th deployment (I think). March 11th Jon deployed with the other 3000+ people on the ship. I took the girls out to watch them leave. It was a sad morning for us. We said our goodbyes the night before because Jon had to be on the ship before morning. They are expected to be gone somewhere around 7 months, which would put them back here around October. The girls and I have a long 7 months ahead of us, and so does Jon for that matter. But we will make it through this deployment, just like we have the past 4. Jon is also in the process (still...) of reenlisting. It was/has never been our plans to make a career out of the military or go for the retirement. But God's plans are not our plans. So more years it is, and if we make it to 20, then so be it. With the reenlistment Jon MAY get orders for a new assignment when he gets back, he may not. But either way, it will be either another ship here in Norfolk come October/November time frame, or it will be a shore command (he would get to be attached to a base instead of a ship for a few years). I will be keeping everyone updated as I find out things.

So in the meantime, please pray for our family. Pray for Jon's safety and protection while he is away. Pray that he can surround himself with other Godly men and that he would be comforted while away from us. Pray for the kids. Pray that they wouldn't be so sad. That they would know that their Daddy loves them and misses them and that they would behave for me. ;) Pray for me. Pray that God would give me strength for this deployment. That I would be comforted when I get sad and lonely and that I would have the energy and patience that only God can give me to deal with and handle the kids and other household issues. Thanks friends! We love you all and are very blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives. <3


<3 to all, Mya

Valentine's Day

So today is Valentine's Day. The day we're supposed to show the ones we love how much they mean to us. But why just today? I guess I've never really understood holidays. As a family, we don't really celebrate them. I mean sometimes we do special things, but its mainly for the kids. And of course we celebrate Christmas, but no where close to how others celebrate. Honestly, most of the time we're lucky if we remember that a holiday is coming up.



So what is it about holidays that make people go bonkers? It's a day, not really different than any other except that somewhere along the line, someone said "hey, we could make this a holiday and try and make it special to everyone". Back to my original question, why just today? Why should we only choose today to show our family and friends how much we love them? God doesn't promise us tomorrow. Why wait for one day a year to show your loved ones how much they really mean to you? If we, as Christians, treat every day as if it were our last, then we should show each other on a daily basis that we love each other. "And he said to him, ' You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' "(Matthew 22:37-39) I'm not saying its not fun to have a special day and make a bid deal out of everything. But I just don't get why, if you're showing each other your love all throughout the year, you would get upset on one day...ONE DAY, just because you didn't get a date night out, or flowers, or chocolates, or a card, or even be told Happy Valentine's Day. If you know that you are loved, then this stuff shouldn't matter (but it IS nice).

I've seen so many girls fall apart on V-Day for various reasons. Either not having a boyfriend/husband, for said bf/husband not giving them chocolates, dinner, flowers, card, etc, for said bf/husband giving them those things, but not giving them what they really wanted, or not getting jewelry, or not getting the RIGHT flowers, jewelry, or whatever. Why do girls tend to hinge their lives, their self worth, their value on a single day? We should find our love, our self worth, our value in the One who created us. "In this is love, not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." (1 John 4:10-11) So this Valentine's Day, try not to get yourself worked up over cards, gifts, flowers and things. Try and remember how much you are loved, not just by your friends and family, but by the Creator of the universe, by the One who loves like no one else can. Try to base your self worth, your value, your love and longing on God and how He loves, and reflect that love to those around you all throughout the year.











"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)




















"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." (1 John 4:7-8)

I'm not okay

Sometimes I feel like I can't see past the fog that surrounds me and my own thoughts to be able to see God's plans for the future. Do you ever feel like that? I can't see past today sometimes because it takes all my energy just to face today.

Every year (at least it seems like every year, maybe every 6 months, every 2 years, I've really lost track) we go through a time of uncertainty. We are not promised tomorrow. That statement doesn't just ring true for our mortal lives, but also our military lives. We are not promised tomorrow at the same job, the same base, the same city, the same state, or even the same country. Many military members and their families go through this, but our situation is definitely unique. Most know that when their term is up, they are definitely moving, but just don't know where yet. We live in a state of limbo. When our term is up, we never know if we are moving, or staying or waiting a little longer to look at the options again. We never know WHEN the decision will be made for us to move or WHERE that move might be to, or even IF we are moving.

And yet, every year, whether moving or not, we go through the mental anguish of trying to pick which duty station would be the best choices and the mental preparations to leave everything we know behind if we get reassigned. We've done that now for 10 years, and this year is no different. I get asked all the time when and if we are moving. And the answer is always a long one, because I could give you at least 3 different options at any given time. But the short answer is always "we don't know". Well its that time of year again, the time we have to mentally prepare for any possibility, to choose which of our options would be the least undesirable.

A lot of people know what its like to move away from friends and family and have to tell people they love goodbye. I don't know how many people can say that they've gone over and over in their heads how to tell the people they love goodbye for 10 years running. Or how many people have looked at the laws in other states (that might be a possibility of moving to) and looked at houses, and prices and taxes just to know what the possibilities are. It's very easy to say that "God has it all under control and it will work out" or "just give it up to God and don't worry about it". But the truth is, even when you give your worries to God and know that He is in control and that no amount of worrying can change your situation, its still hard not to worry. And you still have to look into the possibilities and prepare the best you can for what might come. Otherwise you end up in Virginia with no money, no hotel, no place to stay/live and not knowing a soul! (oh wait... that already happened to us! lol)

So here are our options right now and what we are facing.
1. Stay on the E for decommissioning. Unsure what that entails, but we could stay here for another year while they gut it and then end up in Washington state for the rest of it, or stay here while they gut it and then get reassigned after that.
2. Transfer to another ship after the next deployment. We have done 10 years on sea time (you're only supposed to do 4-5 years before getting a shore command). This would mean we would stay here for a few more years, but also could mean that as soon as Jon gets back from deployment with the E, he could go right back out again on deployment with another ship.
3. Get a shore command. This is desirable, but also undesirable because it would almost definitely mean moving to another state. By what I know, there are like 2 shore positions in VA that are for Jon's job, and almost impossible to get. State options would probably be South Carolina, New York, or possibly somewhere near the Great Lakes (I've heard that theres a training facility there that might be an option, but not for sure).
4. Get a shore/sea command. This is a weird one. Hawaii is one of the options in this case. It is technically a shore command, but it would mean a lot of time on the water for Jon because its a fueling or supply stop for the Navy, so he would be in and out a lot. Another like this is Guam.
5. Overseas billet. Italy is the only one I know of (besides Japan, which the ship there is a Diesel which means its not what Jon works on). This is also SUPER hard to get because apparently Italy is very desirable.
6. The final decision is always the Navy's. It doesn't matter what we pick, the Navy will pick what it thinks is best for it, but "tries" to take our decisions into account. This is why we have been in mental anguish for 10 years and also why we've been stationed in VA for 10 years. A sure thing is never a sure thing with the military. Just because they SAY you are going to move somewhere, doesn't mean that they won't come back next month and say you're staying.



These are always very hard times on us. Am I okay? No. I'm never okay. I'm always one day closer to a life changing decision. I'm always on edge. I'm always confused. I'm always scared. But I always know that God is looking after us and that no matter what happens, He will care for us and comfort us. I'm not okay. Somedays I'm not even sure I'm stable. But God is constant, my comforter, my protector, my strong tower in times of uncertainty. I will put my trust in Him.