A glimpse into my mind...

To say that this past month has been difficult is kind of an understatement. Technically, this is Jon's 4th deployment. Each deployment is different for us, but this one has been particularly difficult on both of us. And we're almost at 4months in (deployments are usually 6-9 months). Before they left, we "heard" that it would be on the longer side, not the shorter side. Theres not one particular thing that stands out in my mind about this past month being so "bad", but it was definitely bad/hard. Some days I want to scream, other days I want to cry. Everything seems to take so much more effort when he's not here. Simple doctor's appointments (which we have tons of) become long ordeals, grocery trips by myself are non-existent, and forget going to a movie. Any time I need to go to a meeting, or want a girls night out, or anything that I can't take kids to, I have to find and pay for a babysitter. And it gets VERY expensive, VERY fast. I'm burned out....I'm exhausted all the time, which isn't new because I don't sleep anyways....I'm emotionally drained....my brain is fried, I can't even remember things from a few hours ago....I'm just DONE. We're almost at the end of the school year, which I'm thrilled about, along with the end of regular work at church, Awanas (I love it, just ready to be done), and pretty soon Genesis (sad!).

I'm sorry if this sounds like whining. It's really not what I'm trying to do. The reason I go into all of this is so that you guys can all get a glimpse of whats going on inside my head. I try very hard to watch what I say to people and how I react to people. Thats not to say that I'm not honest with everyone or that I'm trying to be fake. I can have a very harsh personality, and if I don't watch the way I say things (because my brain doesn't always communicate what it's trying to say to my mouth) a lot of times it comes across wrong, mean, demeaning, ugly, whatever it is its just not right! So if I snap at you or seem distant or like I've got an attitude, I'm very sorry. Even with everything going on in our lives, theres no excuse for bad behavior (thats what I tell my kids and thats what I expect of myself too). But I want everyone to have some insight.

As ready as I am for the summer, there's aspects of it that I'm dreading. Like trying to get lesson plans together for homeschooling and all the other stuff that goes along with it, VBS (though I love it, I don't love preparing for it), the possibility of traveling to Colorado and Ohio to visit family and friends (which I want/ need to do, but I'm not sure we can afford). But I'm also ready for the Beach, Busch Gardens, Water Country and just relaxing and hanging out with friends.


<3 to all!
Mya