Valentine's Day

So today is Valentine's Day. The day we're supposed to show the ones we love how much they mean to us. But why just today? I guess I've never really understood holidays. As a family, we don't really celebrate them. I mean sometimes we do special things, but its mainly for the kids. And of course we celebrate Christmas, but no where close to how others celebrate. Honestly, most of the time we're lucky if we remember that a holiday is coming up.



So what is it about holidays that make people go bonkers? It's a day, not really different than any other except that somewhere along the line, someone said "hey, we could make this a holiday and try and make it special to everyone". Back to my original question, why just today? Why should we only choose today to show our family and friends how much we love them? God doesn't promise us tomorrow. Why wait for one day a year to show your loved ones how much they really mean to you? If we, as Christians, treat every day as if it were our last, then we should show each other on a daily basis that we love each other. "And he said to him, ' You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' "(Matthew 22:37-39) I'm not saying its not fun to have a special day and make a bid deal out of everything. But I just don't get why, if you're showing each other your love all throughout the year, you would get upset on one day...ONE DAY, just because you didn't get a date night out, or flowers, or chocolates, or a card, or even be told Happy Valentine's Day. If you know that you are loved, then this stuff shouldn't matter (but it IS nice).

I've seen so many girls fall apart on V-Day for various reasons. Either not having a boyfriend/husband, for said bf/husband not giving them chocolates, dinner, flowers, card, etc, for said bf/husband giving them those things, but not giving them what they really wanted, or not getting jewelry, or not getting the RIGHT flowers, jewelry, or whatever. Why do girls tend to hinge their lives, their self worth, their value on a single day? We should find our love, our self worth, our value in the One who created us. "In this is love, not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." (1 John 4:10-11) So this Valentine's Day, try not to get yourself worked up over cards, gifts, flowers and things. Try and remember how much you are loved, not just by your friends and family, but by the Creator of the universe, by the One who loves like no one else can. Try to base your self worth, your value, your love and longing on God and how He loves, and reflect that love to those around you all throughout the year.











"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)




















"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." (1 John 4:7-8)

I'm not okay

Sometimes I feel like I can't see past the fog that surrounds me and my own thoughts to be able to see God's plans for the future. Do you ever feel like that? I can't see past today sometimes because it takes all my energy just to face today.

Every year (at least it seems like every year, maybe every 6 months, every 2 years, I've really lost track) we go through a time of uncertainty. We are not promised tomorrow. That statement doesn't just ring true for our mortal lives, but also our military lives. We are not promised tomorrow at the same job, the same base, the same city, the same state, or even the same country. Many military members and their families go through this, but our situation is definitely unique. Most know that when their term is up, they are definitely moving, but just don't know where yet. We live in a state of limbo. When our term is up, we never know if we are moving, or staying or waiting a little longer to look at the options again. We never know WHEN the decision will be made for us to move or WHERE that move might be to, or even IF we are moving.

And yet, every year, whether moving or not, we go through the mental anguish of trying to pick which duty station would be the best choices and the mental preparations to leave everything we know behind if we get reassigned. We've done that now for 10 years, and this year is no different. I get asked all the time when and if we are moving. And the answer is always a long one, because I could give you at least 3 different options at any given time. But the short answer is always "we don't know". Well its that time of year again, the time we have to mentally prepare for any possibility, to choose which of our options would be the least undesirable.

A lot of people know what its like to move away from friends and family and have to tell people they love goodbye. I don't know how many people can say that they've gone over and over in their heads how to tell the people they love goodbye for 10 years running. Or how many people have looked at the laws in other states (that might be a possibility of moving to) and looked at houses, and prices and taxes just to know what the possibilities are. It's very easy to say that "God has it all under control and it will work out" or "just give it up to God and don't worry about it". But the truth is, even when you give your worries to God and know that He is in control and that no amount of worrying can change your situation, its still hard not to worry. And you still have to look into the possibilities and prepare the best you can for what might come. Otherwise you end up in Virginia with no money, no hotel, no place to stay/live and not knowing a soul! (oh wait... that already happened to us! lol)

So here are our options right now and what we are facing.
1. Stay on the E for decommissioning. Unsure what that entails, but we could stay here for another year while they gut it and then end up in Washington state for the rest of it, or stay here while they gut it and then get reassigned after that.
2. Transfer to another ship after the next deployment. We have done 10 years on sea time (you're only supposed to do 4-5 years before getting a shore command). This would mean we would stay here for a few more years, but also could mean that as soon as Jon gets back from deployment with the E, he could go right back out again on deployment with another ship.
3. Get a shore command. This is desirable, but also undesirable because it would almost definitely mean moving to another state. By what I know, there are like 2 shore positions in VA that are for Jon's job, and almost impossible to get. State options would probably be South Carolina, New York, or possibly somewhere near the Great Lakes (I've heard that theres a training facility there that might be an option, but not for sure).
4. Get a shore/sea command. This is a weird one. Hawaii is one of the options in this case. It is technically a shore command, but it would mean a lot of time on the water for Jon because its a fueling or supply stop for the Navy, so he would be in and out a lot. Another like this is Guam.
5. Overseas billet. Italy is the only one I know of (besides Japan, which the ship there is a Diesel which means its not what Jon works on). This is also SUPER hard to get because apparently Italy is very desirable.
6. The final decision is always the Navy's. It doesn't matter what we pick, the Navy will pick what it thinks is best for it, but "tries" to take our decisions into account. This is why we have been in mental anguish for 10 years and also why we've been stationed in VA for 10 years. A sure thing is never a sure thing with the military. Just because they SAY you are going to move somewhere, doesn't mean that they won't come back next month and say you're staying.



These are always very hard times on us. Am I okay? No. I'm never okay. I'm always one day closer to a life changing decision. I'm always on edge. I'm always confused. I'm always scared. But I always know that God is looking after us and that no matter what happens, He will care for us and comfort us. I'm not okay. Somedays I'm not even sure I'm stable. But God is constant, my comforter, my protector, my strong tower in times of uncertainty. I will put my trust in Him.

When I don't 'feel' like worship

Believe it or not, there are times when I don't feel like worshipping God. Everything we do is an act of worship to the King, or at least its supposed to be. But there are times when I've had a bad day and I don't feel like getting on stage and playing/singing or lifting praises to God.  I know how awful this probably sounds right now. Here is a worship leader saying that its a struggle some days to do what God has created us for, what she has been called to do. But the truth is that I'm a sinner just like you. And when I don't feel like worshipping, its usually because I've let my guard down and Satan has gotten into my head.

I know you're probably thinking "why is she telling us this?". Well the honest truth is, because its my blog and I can write about whatever I want. And right now I want to write about my struggles with this. But also I'm writing about it so that you can see that worship leaders aren't extraordinary. We face the same problems that everyone else does, maybe even more because we are "in the spotlight". Satan likes to take every weakness and use it against you, pride, envy, jealousy, even self pity.

Well, I have quite a few short-comings, but what got me this time was feeling inadequate and pride. I'm not that great of a musician. I'm okay, but I could be better. So when I get a difficult song, that I just can't seem to get, thats when Satan starts working on me. I start to feel lousy about my playing, about my practicing habits, about myself in general and basically beat myself up about every little thing. When I'm frustrated and down on myself and generally in a bad mood I can be very negative and just plain ugly. When I get like this I have to remind myself that even when I don't feel like worship it doesn't matter because its not about me, its about God. It's about giving Him the glory, even in the bad times, even when it feels like nothing good could happen.

In one of my studies this week I was reading an article/sermon ( "The Authentic Worshiper") by Jeff Deyo (Sonicflood). He had some great verses in there. But what hit me was a statement he made about worship. He said "One of God's favorite times for you to worship is when you don't feel like it." Wow! Because its SO true! God doesn't ask us to worship Him only when we "feel" like it. No, He demands our worship in all things. We are to worship him not only when things are good, and fun, and easy, but also when things are dark, and sad, and we feel defeated. It's easy for worship leaders to make it about the "show" and not be authentic in their worship. But you can ask any one of us and we will tell you, its not about the show. It's about being authentic in your worship, and sometimes that means worshipping through the pain, or sorrow you might be feeling.

So now you might be thinking how does pride play into all this? Well before all of this mess, I was struggling with my pride. Struggling with where I fit into things, why I wasn't doing some things I was so sure I was supposed to do. Well the easy answer to that is that I let my pride get in the way. And that started me on a downward spiral where Satan took my prideful nature and used it against me by turning my pride into self pity, into inadequacy. See how that works? If you're not careful, the little things are what will trip you up and make you fall.

But the best ways to stay out of Satan's traps is to stay in God's word, pray, pray, pray, have people in your life who you trust to keep you accountable, and to be honest with them about the things going on in your life so that they can call you out when you're being stupid. I continually have to lay myself down before God and say that I've messed up and give Him my pride and control over my circumstances (because I soooo wanna be in control!). And there will be good days and bad days. But its a choice I have to make to praise Him and worship Him in good times and bad times.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Job 2:10 "But he said to her, 'You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Should we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?' In all this Job did not sin with his lips."


Finally, my song for the week. It's very unlike me, but its good.