I'm not okay

Sometimes I feel like I can't see past the fog that surrounds me and my own thoughts to be able to see God's plans for the future. Do you ever feel like that? I can't see past today sometimes because it takes all my energy just to face today.

Every year (at least it seems like every year, maybe every 6 months, every 2 years, I've really lost track) we go through a time of uncertainty. We are not promised tomorrow. That statement doesn't just ring true for our mortal lives, but also our military lives. We are not promised tomorrow at the same job, the same base, the same city, the same state, or even the same country. Many military members and their families go through this, but our situation is definitely unique. Most know that when their term is up, they are definitely moving, but just don't know where yet. We live in a state of limbo. When our term is up, we never know if we are moving, or staying or waiting a little longer to look at the options again. We never know WHEN the decision will be made for us to move or WHERE that move might be to, or even IF we are moving.

And yet, every year, whether moving or not, we go through the mental anguish of trying to pick which duty station would be the best choices and the mental preparations to leave everything we know behind if we get reassigned. We've done that now for 10 years, and this year is no different. I get asked all the time when and if we are moving. And the answer is always a long one, because I could give you at least 3 different options at any given time. But the short answer is always "we don't know". Well its that time of year again, the time we have to mentally prepare for any possibility, to choose which of our options would be the least undesirable.

A lot of people know what its like to move away from friends and family and have to tell people they love goodbye. I don't know how many people can say that they've gone over and over in their heads how to tell the people they love goodbye for 10 years running. Or how many people have looked at the laws in other states (that might be a possibility of moving to) and looked at houses, and prices and taxes just to know what the possibilities are. It's very easy to say that "God has it all under control and it will work out" or "just give it up to God and don't worry about it". But the truth is, even when you give your worries to God and know that He is in control and that no amount of worrying can change your situation, its still hard not to worry. And you still have to look into the possibilities and prepare the best you can for what might come. Otherwise you end up in Virginia with no money, no hotel, no place to stay/live and not knowing a soul! (oh wait... that already happened to us! lol)

So here are our options right now and what we are facing.
1. Stay on the E for decommissioning. Unsure what that entails, but we could stay here for another year while they gut it and then end up in Washington state for the rest of it, or stay here while they gut it and then get reassigned after that.
2. Transfer to another ship after the next deployment. We have done 10 years on sea time (you're only supposed to do 4-5 years before getting a shore command). This would mean we would stay here for a few more years, but also could mean that as soon as Jon gets back from deployment with the E, he could go right back out again on deployment with another ship.
3. Get a shore command. This is desirable, but also undesirable because it would almost definitely mean moving to another state. By what I know, there are like 2 shore positions in VA that are for Jon's job, and almost impossible to get. State options would probably be South Carolina, New York, or possibly somewhere near the Great Lakes (I've heard that theres a training facility there that might be an option, but not for sure).
4. Get a shore/sea command. This is a weird one. Hawaii is one of the options in this case. It is technically a shore command, but it would mean a lot of time on the water for Jon because its a fueling or supply stop for the Navy, so he would be in and out a lot. Another like this is Guam.
5. Overseas billet. Italy is the only one I know of (besides Japan, which the ship there is a Diesel which means its not what Jon works on). This is also SUPER hard to get because apparently Italy is very desirable.
6. The final decision is always the Navy's. It doesn't matter what we pick, the Navy will pick what it thinks is best for it, but "tries" to take our decisions into account. This is why we have been in mental anguish for 10 years and also why we've been stationed in VA for 10 years. A sure thing is never a sure thing with the military. Just because they SAY you are going to move somewhere, doesn't mean that they won't come back next month and say you're staying.



These are always very hard times on us. Am I okay? No. I'm never okay. I'm always one day closer to a life changing decision. I'm always on edge. I'm always confused. I'm always scared. But I always know that God is looking after us and that no matter what happens, He will care for us and comfort us. I'm not okay. Somedays I'm not even sure I'm stable. But God is constant, my comforter, my protector, my strong tower in times of uncertainty. I will put my trust in Him.