So this is one of those secrets that you never want to tell. It's not a fun secret like my last one, its more of a sad, this totally sucks kind of secret. And its not really a secret, but I feel like it is because its not something that anyone talks about. Let me cut to the chase, because honestly, after the week I've had, I just don't have the energy to put all that wonderful filler in that I usually do.
So today's secret is about communication. Okay, I know you're thinking, thats not a secret. Well, its not really, but it sort of is. When your husband is home and he doesn't communicate what's going on at work, or decisions that he's made without you, or how he's doing, you can get angry with him. And thats okay, because there's no reason, except poor communication, for not telling you about those things in his life or your family's lives. BUT, when you're a Navy husband, your wife can only be so angry. See, with the Army, Coast Guard, and even Air Force, communication has become a more important thing. Even men over in Iraq and Afghanistan talk to their spouses more than we get to talk (and many times they can even video chat). (I may be generalizing, so please don't get all up in my face because your husband in the Army hasn't been able to call you in months. This is just something I've noticed. I may be TOTALLY wrong in this matter.) So like I was saying, I can only be so angry with him. Our communication when he is on the ship is primarily email. Now, I get a LOT more emails now that he works in an office as opposed to the plant because now he has access to a computer on a regular basis. But even with regular email access (we can't video chat or skype or anything like that, their network won't support it) communication is tough! Sometimes emails I send don't get through right away. If their server is down for any reason, and my email gets "kicked back" it doesn't tell me it can't send it, instead it holds the email for a week or so and retry's it. This can be a problem. Because if the server comes back up the next day, he sends me an email about something and I don't know if he got the other email or what he is responding to or what! It can be frustrating to the point of absurd. So much so that sometimes, for sanity sake, we number our emails so we know what order we received them in.
The other downfall to this form of communication is tone. It's the same problem people have with texting. You can't READ sarcasm, anger, sadness, happiness or any feeling for that matter. If we're not careful about how we say things and stating things very obviously without any hidden meaning, then we can get confused and a whole fight breaks out thousands of miles apart in email form! Trust me, this has happened. And it's not pretty. It usually ends up with me frustrated and in tears here at home and him angry on the ship. Never good!
So what's the solution you ask? Well, there's no easy solution. When we get to talk on the phone (basically only when he is in port), we make the best of it and talk about everything we can and need to. No matter how much it costs us (the last phone bill was just over $300, yikes!). And when we are down to emails, we take precautions to make sure we are understood. First by making sure we reference things we are answering from previous emails, either by including text or just saying what we are answering. Second, we sometimes number very important emails so we know what order we received them in. Example is, when I send emails that are important, I number 1,2,3, etc so Jon knows what numbers he got (he may get 1 and 3, but never receive 2). Third, patience. This is the hardest part. If I get an upsetting email from Jon, I try to wait until I'm not angry anymore so that I can respond. This cuts down on miscommunications. If I answer while I'm angry and not thinking, something might get said that I didn't intend. So we wait patiently. Sometimes this means waiting days, or even a week+ to get a response to an email. Because no good comes from emailing him 4 times on the same subject to see if he got the email. It sucks!
My final thoughts on communication. It's hard. Trying to keep a long distance relationship together is hard enough without the added pressures of not being able to talk. Ask anyone who's ever had a long distance relationship and they'll tell you its very hard. I feel like men have a harder time of it than women, because men aren't as good at open communication (am I right wives?). But, it's always a work in progress. And communication is key when you are apart from your spouse because it keeps your marriage connected. Without communication, things fall apart. It's that simple. So we continue to work on it and find creative ways to make this long distance relationship work.
No comments:
Post a Comment