zen

Okay, I know I was very depressing in my last post, but sometimes I get like that. Not every post will be like that, but sometimes I just need to vent, and since Jon isn't here, I gotta let it out somewhere! So now that thats over with...things are better. I feel like I've had my brain washed out and everything is just clear, and easy and not stressed at all. It's a great feeling! Let me go back a little bit.

Saturday I got to go and minister with some people from our church to our community. We've been putting on block parties and giving out food, soda, towels, socks and playing games with the kids. WOW! It was a fantastic time and I was more blessed by them then they were by me I'm sure. In all it was just a great time of hanging out and making friends. :)

Monday I had a semi-meltdown. I ruined another meal (which unfortunately I'm getting used to) which of course upset me. It was a rough day altogether. BUT, the awesome thing was Monday night. I had so much to do that day, I just said we were staying home and getting everything done and not going anywhere. Which was good, but hard. So Monday night after I put the girls to bed I was feeling very overwhelmed and just really feeling Satan's attacks on me. It's always hard when Jon's gone, but this time is so much harder. I've been under a lot of spiritual attack and this past week it all topped out. I literally felt like I was drowning in everything that was going on. So I sat down in my room to fold laundry (boo!) and stopped. I pulled out my bible, turned on some music and just dove into God's word. It felt so wonderful! I felt God lift the burdens, lift the attacks, and just fill me up. I was crying, but it was a relieved "God just rocked my world" kind of cry.

I also got asked to go and do some catering for an event this coming Saturday. I do that sometimes, I cater for this guy I know who owns a catering business. Was I tempted, yes! Money is always a good thing here, because it helps us pay off our debts, duh! But this Saturday theres another block party going on. I had committed to do this months ago, but was thinking about bailing on it. Why did I even think that was right?! I dunno, but God smacked me in the face for it. How dare I try and take away from something God is trying to do! So I told them I couldn't cater because I had to keep a commitment. :) And I'm so glad I did! This weekend is gonna be awesome!

Now we're back to today. Do I still have a ton to do? Yes. That is something that will probably never end. But now I don't feel the weight of those things, I'm not worrying whether the house will get cleaned (because eventually it will), or whether the laundry will get washed, or even whether I ruin yet another meal. Because honestly, it just doens't matter! My kids are happy, they're learning about God and how to serve Him and really, thats all that matters to me. They will get fed somehow. And God will make sure of that for me. So no worries! Spring break is next week and it's going to be such a great week to just relax and have fun! I'm sooooo ready for it. :D

Love! <3 <3 <3

cooking=FAIL

It may come as a surprise to some of you, but I'm really not a good cook. And yea, I know people say that all the time and it usually means they are mediocre and just can't cook fancy stuff. Well what I mean by not a good cook is NOT a good cook. I'm the type of person who can't make jello, canned tomato soup, or use a stove without burning, overcooking, or just outright ruining something. No, I'm not joking, you can ask Jon when he gets back and he will testify to the fact that he's SEEN me mess these things up. Usually Jon does the majority of the cooking in our house because of this fact. Easy is good for me. There are a handful of dishes I can make without ruining them. I said in a previous posting that I was doing some freezer meals. Well I am trying to anyways. My EPIC FAIL this week was pulling out some marinated pork cutlets and trying to pan fry them, but instead turning them into an inedible mess. :( Inedible is the nicest word I can think of to describe the catastrophe that happened on Wednesday.

Why do I go into telling you about my failures in cooking? Because theres more to it than me just ruining a meal. Add on years and years of ruining meals and you will get an idea of how I felt Wednesday night. I love my husband, and I love my kids, and no matter how hard I try and try and try, I can't seem to make a decent meal to feed them. Girls may get their "love banks" filled by guys bringing them flowers/presents and telling them they love them, but for most guys its actions that say "I love you" and one of those actions that speaks loudest is cooking. Jon knows I love him and I don't doubt that. But to be able to show him how much I love him, by having a good hot meal for dinner for him would be amazing to me. My kids know how bad my cooking is too. They will tell people "Mommy burns dinner," or "Mommy doesn't cook good food," and it hurts. They don't mean anything by it, but it still hurts that I can't give them a good, homemade meal. So after ruining dinner and crying over it for a lengthy time, Tay asks me why I'm crying. I tell her I'm upset because I messed up dinner and she says, "it's okay Mommy, we can go get Taco Bell,". Pain, hurt, failure, disappointment, shame, you name it and I felt it. I let my kids down. But enough about that.

Where do I go from here? I don't know. I have no talent to cook, so I'm just going to get by. I know I'm a good Mom and I raise my kids well. They will never go without a home, or food (even if it isn't made by me). I know that theres many things I'm good at. But letting go of not being able to cook is very hard. Every day I have to give my struggles up to God, and there are days when its a lot harder to do. But I know that God will provide for me and for my family, one way or another. I can do nothing on my own.

Oh, and don't worry, when I make meals for other people or take food to get togethers, I either buy something or make one of my 3 or 4 dishes that I can actually make. ;) Also, if you think it couldn't be worse, I've even blown up a stove top. ;D

So I haven't posted in a little while. I've had so much going on lately, and I really needed to just take some time and process things. Where to start...I'll just start where I remember things, so the timeline isn't going to be great.

Tay had her urology appointment at NMCP. It went okay. Not fantastic, because I didn't get all the answers I wanted/needed, but I got the answers I expected. Referral to go back and see the urologist at CHKD to find out our options. She is grade 2 now, which is down 1 grade since her procedure. She's been put back on prophylactic antibiotics also. We are using the "potty watch" again to help remind her to go potty, and she's been doing pretty good with it.

I've been doing some research on supplements lately too. My friend Katie knows a lot about them and is helping me out. I am doing this so that I can get Tay on some probiotics (to replace her good bacteria that the meds are wiping out) and so that I can get on some supplements to make up for all the vitamins/minerals that I don't get because of all my stupid food allergies. :/

Last week I found myself slipping into my old "Jon's away" habits. Is this bad? Well to most people, probably not. You see when Jon is gone for a long time, theres some attitudes I start to get. I do not consider these attitudes good or acceptable for me, regardless of whether he is here or not. Most people will hear this and think, "well its understandable that you get that way when he's gone" and no, its not, theres no excuse for a poor attitude. So what is it that I do? Well I become thing negative, mean, sometimes bad tempered, intolerant of people, ugly, a big downer. I start to push away my friends by saying or doing things that are mean or maybe offending. I DONT like this! My friends that I get to play with in the band are like family to me. They care for me and take care of me and I love them. But I found myself on Wed night in a very evil kinda mood. And I said things to 2 of my best friends that were very mean and ugly and I was just negative that night. And for that, I am sorry.

I do tend to have less of a filter than most people. I put my foot in my mouth quite a bit when I'm in good moods and say things that I have no clue that they are mean or offensive. And thats when I'm not being negative. So when I get in these moods, I can be downright evil to people, and the worse part is that I know it! My "filter" goes out the window when Jon's gone. I forget to check what I'm saying before I say it, and that can get me in a lot of trouble with people and turn my friends into enemies. I am by no means trying to make excuses. But, and I'm putting myself out there with all the web being able to see this, if I am acting that way towards you or anyone else and you see/hear it, please keep me accountable.

What else is happening....my friend S is having surgery today and I am keeping her 2 kids (same ages as mine) for 2 days so she can have some recovery time. Pray for my sanity the next few days, I'm gonna need it! I'm praying that all goes well with her surgery and that me and the kids do okay. We'll probably go to the Revival meeting at church tonight so that we can get out. It's an illusionist call Brock Gill and its supposed to be fantastic!

So thats my update on the past few weeks and whats happening this week. Thanks for listening!

I normally love my job

I normally LOVE my job as Sparks Director for our AWANA program. I love the kids and how excited they are to learn verses from God's word! I get to love on them and encourage them and be a mentor to them, it really is fantastic. But like I said, I "normally" like my job. There are definitely days where I don't want to be there, I mean hey, we ALL have those days. But days when I have to tell parents no to certain things they want to do are the hardest. I'll explain a little bit. I have a girl who is 6, supposed to be in Kindergarten. She is home-schooled and VERY intelligent, but very much lacking in the emotional department. I allowed the parents to put her in the program as a 1st grader, which is 1 grade above what she's supposed to be. Well, I found out tonight that they are trying to push into the 2nd grade material already. UGH! It is so frustrating to have to talk to parents about this kind of thing. Mom was semi-understanding about it, but obviously disappointed (apparently the kids does like 5th grade work at home). The biggest thing is that I have to deal with her dad next week, whom I know for a fact is not that understanding or nice about things. So needless to say, this is one of those moments where I don't love my job. :/

On a brighter note, Jon called today! We got to talk for a few minutes, but it really brightened my day. :D It also came at the perfect time because Tay was crying this morning about missing Daddy. :( We are at the 2 month mark (I think...I don't really keep track because thats hard on me) and so far so good. No hospitalizations or major things like that, which is HUGE. We usually have that kind of thing happen the first month he's gone.

We had our monthly worship team meeting on Monday night. My good friend Mike stepped up and watched the girls so I could go (Thanks Mike!). The kids loved playing with him. It was a good time of worshipping together as a team and just getting to know one another. And I'm so thankful to be a part of a team where our "head leader" (because technically Steve is "our" leader ;) ) reminds us how important God's word is and that all of our worship, corporate and personal, needs to be God-centered and that its not about the music (although sometimes we like to think that!). The "musician exchange program" as I've titled it is going good. I got to play in the worship band on the "celebration" side (the main sanctuary) and it was good. I'm not despising going over there like I used to (and if you're on that side and reading this, then sorry, but I did hate it before; and if Jeff is reading this, well sorry, but I'm trying to be honest, not hurtful).

Sunday was also mine and Jon's anniversary. And surprise, surprise, he actually was able to email me! I love my husband and I love our relationship and that he understands me SO well. I honestly don't know what I would do if I weren't married to him, because I truly doubt there is anyone else in this world that would love me like he does and put up with my craziness.

So what do I take away from all this? 1. dealing with parents is a fact of life no matter what you do. Get used to it and just remember to handle it with grace and poise and to not flip out or get upset and angry, because it usually doesn't help the situation. 2. my husband will always surprise me, even thousands of miles away. ;) 3. worship music that is centered around God's attributes or rich in theology is more effective than just any old song. :)

Much love,
Mya

Friends, Games, and Love

Friday was a crazy busy kinda day. Not like thats unusual or anything. Amara had a Dr appt and we finally got to change some of her meds around. Hopefully we'll see a huge improvement in the next few weeks with her. I had my first Scentsy show of the new Spring/Summer line and that went great! Afterwards I got to hang out with 2 of my best friends and another friend whom I'm getting to know so much better (and totally loving) :). Amara and Tay got to sleep over at a friends house Friday night also. They roasted marshmallows and played. I heard they had a lot of fun and Im very grateful that they got to do that and leave me with a quiet house for the night.

This morning we got to do Sparksarama. Its a game where the AWANA Sparks go and compete against other churches with the games that they normally play on club nights (things like relay races and stuff). I got to be an Assistant Coach and Amara played the games. They all had fun and we had one team take 1st place and one team take 3rd place! Im so proud of how hard the kids worked and especially proud of the good attitudes they had while at the game.

It was such a beautiful day today! So after the games the kids played on the playground for a little while, then we came home, had lunch and played/rested the rest of the afternoon. I LOVE lazy Saturdays! Although I definitely didn't get the house cleaned like I needed to. Part of the reason is my hand has been hurting all day. :( I get these weird pains in my hands. I've been told by some friends who are "in the know" that its probably caused by a pinched nerve. So it was hard to do anything that required my hand today, and it was my right hand too which makes it all the worse, even typing this blog was hard because I'm using my left hand and one finger on my right. oh well, I'll survive.

Tomorrow is a very special day. I get to help lead worship in the "big service" but thats not the special part. Tomorrow is Jon and I's 9th wedding anniversary! :D To say I'm happy is understating it. I'm ecstatic! We've had so many friends who didn't make it past their 5yr anniversary and we are so blessed to have made it this far. I love my husband and best friend and thank God continually for his companionship. He is a fantastic husband and father. I know that he can't read this, and probably won't be able to call me or email me tomorrow, but I know he loves me and feels the same way. So thank you God for 9 wonderful years of marriage and 13 wonderful years of friendship with the man I love. :)

Break My Heart

There was something I missed in my blog yesterday. It definitely fits in with today's topic though. While we were at the store yesterday I saw Tay shove Matt. So of course, that meant I had to discipline her. Tay has always been our sensitive child. You can look at her wrong and bring her to tears, so it was no surprise to me when I started to scold her for pushing that she broke down into tears. What has been ripping at my heart is how she followed the tears with the phrase "You don't love me!". And she's not alone. Amara isn't innocent in this kind of speech either. They both know how to hurt me, and trust me it hurts (especially with Jon gone and not here to reassure me that what I did was right). It breaks my heart to hear those words from my babies. But what hurts worse is the thought that they might actually believe that I don't love them! I try to be very clear when we are punishing them for bad behavior that even though we are upset about their behavior, we still love them. Where did they get this?! And at only 4 and 6 years old?!

On the same topic, God has been breaking my heart. He has been putting people in my life to help me get through some tough times and also people that I need to help/support (which is tough for me because I'm really not a people person, no matter what anyone else thinks!). I've been seeing worshipping Him in a different way lately and He's been breaking my heart for His people to come to truly worship Him. I think that kinda makes sense...

Anyways, I got to have a LOT of fun last night just hanging out with some very good friends. I got to goof around and actually be myself (not that I'm fake normally, I'm just myself toned WAY DOWN because my personality can be a lot for people to handle...yea...thats what I'm going with). I got to see some of my best friends enjoying and loving worshipping together and was able to vent and laugh and joke with others and just have a time of healing for heart. It was fantastic! and my heart sooooo needed this release. :) Today has been a day of running around some more to appointments, but it's all the more enjoyable because of last night. Thanks to my best friend's Katie and Steve I get to go and do some stress relief tonight at Karate and the girls get to go spend time with their 2 favorite adults. :D I love my life, and I love my friends and wouldn't change it. Love ya'll!

Mya

Errands and School

So today was supposed to be a "get things done" day for me seeing as its the only day this week I was really going to be home. Well....that went straight out the window! I had a few errands to run which I didn't think would take me long, but turned into me just being out and enjoying time with Tay and Matt. So no, I didn't get ANYTHING done at the house today like I was supposed to, but I got to spend time with one of my daughters and invest myself in their lives. So I call it a successful day anyways. We ran Amara to school, went to the bank, went to Kohl's, then ran to Va Beach so we could go to the Disney Store and get Tay a Minnie Mouse doll that she has been dying to have. Had lunch there at the mall which was nice and relaxing, then ran to Office Depot for printer ink. Oh, we also stopped by my favorite store at Lynnhaven which is C28. If you don't know about them, they are a totally Christian store. They sell tons of cool Christian clothing, jewelry, etc. The most shocking thing for me is that every time you walk in that store, whether you're just browsing or actually buying, sometime before you leave an employee asks if there's anything they can pray about for you. That is awesome! So after we ran errands, we got back on 64 just in time to miss the bulk of traffic, thankfully!

While I was driving out there I heard a song on K-love that spoke wonders to my heart. I have to go and find this song! But the chorus is something like "with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, Lord I give it all to You". It talks about how you just want to give everything you have, your whole self, your money, your thoughts, all of it to God for Him to use as He pleases. That's definitely my goal, but I have to admit that I fall short of it.

Amara goes to a great school. It's a fundamental school and they all know her there and do their best to work with our situation (missing school a lot because of Dr appts, etc). But lately I've been thinking about how much I miss my child. She comes home many days just exhausted from the day's activities, but still has homework and extracurricular activities to do. So I've been thinking A LOT about it and I've talked to Jon, and I think we are going to homeschool both kids next year. (yikes!) The thought of keeping them both home and actually homeschooling is kind of scary to me. It means I'm going to have to dig up knowledge that I haven't used in many years and have to deal with them 24/7. So yea, the thought of it is a little overwhelming and anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not really that organized, but I'll have to be for this! I'm really hoping that this works out. It would give us flexibility to go on vacations when Jon gets his leave times, it will allow us to work around Amara's mood swings, and work around all the Dr appts they have also. So please pray with me that this will go well and that I can get my act together and do homeschooling the right way! I need all the help I can get! Okay, I think I've gone on long enough, thanks for sticking in there and supporting me through this everyone!

Mya

Meditating...

I find lately that I get overwhelmed by many things that are everyday things. The dishes, the laundry, reading a book, or one of my most dreaded things...being in a big group! Yeah...I'm kinda strange. A lot of people just don't understand that. I am claustrophobic anyways, but the thought of being in an intimate setting or party with more than like 10 people terrifies me! Do you ever get that way? Anyways, I got to talk to Jon yesterday for a whole 8 minutes! (i'm excited, not being sarcastic at all). That may seem so insignificant to many of you, but it was HUGE! Amara even got to talk to him, which she hasn't done since he left. It definitely lifted a burden off me. :)

Anyways, I'm reading this book for our Worship Team's small group meetings called "Worship Matters". And I'm loving it! I enjoy reading it (when I find the time). Today I read a part that talks about how GREAT God is. Many times, we as humans lose sight of how awesome and big our God really is. We try to put him in a box or think that somethings are just too big for him. It used a great analogy of how we see the stars and they look so small to the human eye. But when you get a good telescope, you can see how they're these big balls of fire that are just HUGE! Well it made me stop and think. How often do I put God in a box? So many times I just struggle through my everyday problems and think "I'll get by somehow" when really I should be letting the God who created the universe and me take care of it! He is so GREAT! So rest in the fact that we serve a God bigger than us, bigger than our problems, bigger than our bills, bigger than our busy schedules. We serve a mighty and awesome God who cares and takes care of us.

Love to all!