Secrets of a Navy Wife: Making Adjustments

Money sucks. I wish we didn't have to use money for anything. But unfortunately, we use it for EVERYTHING. And so we always have money problems. Like many military families, and non-military families for that matter, we live paycheck to paycheck. Which makes it hard if things pop up like unexpected medical bills or other expenses. It's not usually that big of a problem when Jon is home. We deal with it and find a way to make things happen. But remember how I told you about the communication problems? Well, that plays a role in the money problem.

You see, when Jon is gone, we have to change how we all live. Jon being gone cuts a little bit of expense out our bills. It cuts down on our grocery bill, gas bill, and "extras" bill (fast food and the like). But not much. But thats not the problem. The problem comes when Jon hits port. Everything overseas is more expensive (at least in the countries they visit). It's almost double what we pay here in the states. So when Jon hits port and asks for money (yes, I give him an allowance), that can be a problem. Because where I can spend 100 in a few weeks on various things, he can spend 300 on taxis, food, tours, etc (or more). So really, when Jon is gone, he can easily spend 2-3 times as much on regular stuff as he would if he were home. Thats where the problem is. And thats where major adjustments have to happen. It means making sacrifices here at home and not doing everything we want to do, so that we make sure Jon has money to do some of the things he wants to do. It means budgeting our groceries and only buying things that are absolutely necessary, so that he can buy some things that aren't as necessary. I'm going to be honest, it's not fun. Sometimes it really sucks.

Making financial adjustments aren't the only adjustments we have to make. Theres adjusting our lives too. And that goes for when he is gone and when he is home. When Jon is gone, we adjust to making extra time to buy stuff to send to him, write letters, make videos, write emails, and keep ourselves busy enough that we don't think about it too much (that part isn't hard considering how busy we are on a normal basis). When Jon gets home, its like making a conscious effort to include him in our lives. Its not that we don't want him to be a part of it. It's just that after 6 months, we've gotten used to doing things alone. So finding things to include him in, make time at home together, and small things like remembering to tell him when we have appointments, parties, and things to do  like errands, is really important. It sounds kind of odd I'm sure, but really its not. It's just something we have to do and we kind of get used to (the getting used to it part sucks, because I don't think anyone should have to get "used" to their spouse being gone).

Other adjustments we make are a little less obvious. Things like not ever going to a couples bible study for instance. Why? Because most of the time, whether home or not, Jon can't attend, which leaves ME alone in a couples bible study. Can you say.....Awkward.....Yep. It means taking the kids with me EVERYWHERE because there is no one home to keep them. And I mean everywhere...grocery store, doctor appointments, parties, movies, you name it. If I can't take them with me, it's either asking yet another favor from a friend to watch them, or paying a babysitter (and that gets expensive). I'm sure there are other things I'm forgetting, but let's face it, I won't be able to list everything anyways.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not meaning for any of this to sound like complaining. Although it does sound like it. All I'm trying to do is give everyone a little bit of insider information as to what life is like in a military family. I am grateful for the military and the way it has provided a steady job for Jon, healthcare for all of us, and consistent pay during the recession. But it does make things difficult. Thanks for checking out another "Secrets of a Navy Wife". I hope you are a little more educated, or at least a little bit entertained. :)

Love to all,
Mya

Finally, a Diagnosis

Sorry for the absence of posts the last few weeks. We have had so much going on that I really just needed some time to process everything and catch my brain up to my life. On May 18th, my sweet baby turned 8. Yes 8! I can't believe that she is growing up so fast. I am so happy that I get to be her mother and she brings much joy to our family. Jon has ported in Dubai and then Bahrain (and already left them too). He is enjoying his time in foreign ports and we miss him very much.

We did cognitive and academic testing for Amara last month. We finally got the test scores back from the doctor. So we officially have a diagnosis! Before I go into what the diagnosis is, I want to say a few things. One, if your opinion is negative in any way, keep it to yourself. I have had quite the week trying to process everything on top of all the other stress I have right now. I don't need your negativity on top of it. (this isn't directed at anybody in particular, but I feel I need to say it for my own sanity). Two, our decision to use medications to help our children are our decisions, not yours. I appreciate and welcome any critiques you may have if they are meant to help. But know that we are not planning on pulling our kids off all their medications. We feel that giving them medicine is helping them be the children that God intended them to be. Three, having this diagnosis does not mean my kids are crazy, insane, broken, cracked, a danger to anyone, messed up or any other term you might think of. It just means they need help. Okay, now that I've said my piece, here goes.

The diagnosis we got back (for Amara, this has nothing to do with Tayani) is that she has Bipolar Disorder, Adjustment Disorder w/ mixed emotional features, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, ADHD (mixed type), and Specific Learning Disabilities in processing, reading and math. We are currently in the process of changing her medications to better suit her and the diagnosis. So it has been a very very rough week for me. It's one thing to know in your head that something is wrong with your child, and its a whole different story to see on paper from a doctor that what you thought is correct. I have been taking time processing this information, dealing with Amara's difficulties during her medication change, along with the stress of having a very anxious 5yr old and a husband that is deployed overseas. I am not looking for pity. I am grateful that we have a wonderful team of doctors working with us to help her, that the military pays for almost all of our medical expenses (including the thousands of dollars a month in medications), and that we have friends here in VA that are taking care of us (especially me) during this time. God is faithful and will see us through this. She will never be "better", but she can be stable. And on that note, please don't ask me if Amara is "better". BD (bipolar disorder) isn't something that you get better from, you just become more stable, she will have this for the rest of her life.

Thank you all for the love and care you've shown our family. Words are never enough to cover our gratitude. But thank you anyways! If you truly want to be a help to us, please see the links below and educate yourselves on Bipolar Disorder. I am always willing to talk about whats going on in our lives and with Amara, but please do not expect me to be able to tell you whats happening in a passing moment at church or some other function. Thank you all!


In Love,
Mya

About Pediatric Bipolar Disorder

Helping a Loved One with Bipolar Disorder

What to say and What not to say...

Finding Rest

This week we have been resting. And I LOVE it! We only have 1 doctor appointment this week and soccer practice tonight (if its not cancelled due to the weather). It has been wonderful so far. The kids have slept in late, played video games, read books, put together puzzles and just relaxed. This week was so needed. I have been getting the house cleaned for Amara's birthday party on Friday evening and spending some time resting in God's word, knitting, and playing with the kids.

It's easy to forget how much you need rest. Especially when you love the things you're involved in and the people you work with. But everyone needs a break. And this week is ours. We have been going non-stop for so long, I almost forgot HOW to relax. No joke, the first day or two I was jumping out of my skin because I didn't have anything "to do". But knowing that I don't have to be anywhere, that no one is expecting me to show up, or that I can just be lazy and sit around in my pj's all day is AMAZING! So I'm going to enjoy our down time, because I know it will be short lived, and relax at home, enjoy the rain, and drink a few cups of coffee while knitting something awesome (I just finished up a 14ft Doctor Who scarf for Jon and a pair of gloves for a friend).

God is awesome and knows what we need and when we need it. He has given me rest in the midst of storms. He has given me peace, in the middle of all our turmoil. He has given me hope, when I was feeling hopeless. He has provided for our every need, when we couldn't see where the money was going to come from. He has surrounded me with loving friends who take care of me while Jon is away by mowing our lawn, helping with dishes, providing meals, and helping me clean and do laundry. We are blessed beyond belief. It's easy to get stuck on whats wrong in your life and all the problems you have. But it's so much better to remember what God has given you to be thankful for and how He has blessed you. I have to be honest and tell you that I've had a hard time seeing the blessings in the middle of all our problems lately. But being able to rest this week, I've also been able to reflect on how God has taken care of us and provided for us at every step of the journey. I encourage all of you to take a step back, take a little time (an hour, a day, a week) to rest and reflect on God's promises and His blessings in your life.


"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." -Jeremiah 29:11

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." -Matthew 7:7

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." -James 1:2-3

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him." -James 1:5

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calalmities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." -Matthew 11:28-29

Be blessed!
-Mya

Secrets of a Navy Wife Pt.2

So this is one of those secrets that you never want to tell. It's not a fun secret like my last one, its more of a sad, this totally sucks kind of secret. And its not really a secret, but I feel like it is because its not something that anyone talks about. Let me cut to the chase, because honestly, after the week I've had, I just don't have the energy to put all that wonderful filler in that I usually do.

So today's secret is about communication. Okay, I know you're thinking, thats not a secret. Well, its not really, but it sort of is. When your husband is home and he doesn't communicate what's going on at work, or decisions that he's made without you, or how he's doing, you can get angry with him. And thats okay, because there's no reason, except poor communication, for not telling you about those things in his life or your family's lives. BUT, when you're a Navy husband, your wife can only be so angry. See, with the Army, Coast Guard, and even Air Force, communication has become a more important thing. Even men over in Iraq and Afghanistan talk to their spouses more than we get to talk (and many times they can even video chat). (I may be generalizing, so please don't get all up in my face because your husband in the Army hasn't been able to call you in months. This is just something I've noticed. I may be TOTALLY wrong in this matter.) So like I was saying, I can only be so angry with him. Our communication when he is on the ship is primarily email. Now, I get a LOT more emails now that he works in an office as opposed to the plant because now he has access to a computer on a regular basis. But even with regular email access (we can't video chat or skype or anything like that, their network won't support it) communication is tough! Sometimes emails I send don't get through right away. If their server is down for any reason, and my email gets "kicked back" it doesn't tell me it can't send it, instead it holds the email for a week or so and retry's it. This can be a problem. Because if the server comes back up the next day, he sends me an email about something and I don't know if he got the other email or what he is responding to or what! It can be frustrating to the point of absurd. So much so that sometimes, for sanity sake, we number our emails so we know what order we received them in.

The other downfall to this form of communication is tone. It's the same problem people have with texting. You can't READ sarcasm, anger, sadness, happiness or any feeling for that matter. If we're not careful about how we say things and stating things very obviously without any hidden meaning, then we can get confused and a whole fight breaks out thousands of miles apart in email form! Trust me, this has happened. And it's not pretty. It usually ends up with me frustrated and in tears here at home and him angry on the ship. Never good!

So what's the solution you ask? Well, there's no easy solution. When we get to talk on the phone (basically only when he is in port), we make the best of it and talk about everything we can and need to. No matter how much it costs us (the last phone bill was just over $300, yikes!). And when we are down to emails, we take precautions to make sure we are understood. First by making sure we reference things we are answering from previous emails, either by including text or just saying what we are answering. Second, we sometimes number very important emails so we know what order we received them in. Example is, when I send emails that are important, I number 1,2,3, etc so Jon knows what numbers he got (he may get 1 and 3, but never receive 2). Third, patience. This is the hardest part. If I get an upsetting email from Jon, I try to wait until I'm not angry anymore so that I can respond. This cuts down on miscommunications. If I answer while I'm angry and not thinking, something might get said that I didn't intend. So we wait patiently. Sometimes this means waiting days, or even a week+ to get a response to an email. Because no good comes from emailing him 4 times on the same subject to see if he got the email. It sucks!

My final thoughts on communication. It's hard. Trying to keep a long distance relationship together is hard enough without the added pressures of not being able to talk. Ask anyone who's ever had a long distance relationship and they'll tell you its very hard. I feel like men have a harder time of it than women, because men aren't as good at open communication (am I right wives?). But, it's always a work in progress. And communication is key when you are apart from your spouse because it keeps your marriage connected. Without communication, things fall apart. It's that simple. So we continue to work on it and find creative ways to make this long distance relationship work.

A Home

I realized today that I have yet to post pictures of our new house. So at the end of this post, you will find some pictures of our wonderful home. We are so blessed to be here. It's become very evident over the past few months how much we needed the space (the house itself is nearly twice the size of our apartment). The kids have been loving running around in the giant yard and even better, they have friends in the neighborhood. This is huge! They've always had friends, but to be able to have them over, almost anytime they want, is a whole new concept. One little girl in particular comes over almost every day to play with them. It brings back memories of when I was little and would go to my friends' houses to play. I've always wanted our house to be place where the kids felt safe to bring home their friends, and it finally is. Hopefully this will last into their teen years. ;) I am so grateful to have this home!

We've been running on empty this week. Well, the last few weeks for that matter. We've been overrun with appointments and it feels like there's no end. Dinners have been tossed together last minute because I just don't have the energy to prep the meal the day before or time to really cook a meal the day of. Lunches are almost always on the go, which means a lot of fast food and sandwiches. It's tiring. And I'm tired of eating like this. (ps, anyone who wants to bring us food will never be turned away! Lol). With summer approaching I'm hoping to make it to the farmers markets and start making some good homemade meals again. But we'll see what happens with appointments.

Amara had her cognitive and academic testing this week. We will find out the results in about 2 weeks. I'm not worried. I'm actually hopeful. I'm hopeful that these results will tell us either that there are other issues so we can address them, or that there are no other issues so we can properly address and diagnose BD. Its not a bad thing. It's a good thing. Meanwhile, I am trying to get ready for end of year school testing with Amara. I don't expect her to do well because she has had so many struggles this year. We still plan on homeschooling next year regardless of this years test scores. It just means we either need a diagnosis to get the school district off our backs, or we need to crack down harder next year and make sure she does well.

Well, thats all I have today. Enjoy the pictures!

Mya

Our New Home. :) (rental)

Left side lawn and garage

Living Room (coming into house theres a small entryway)

Living Room/Dining Room (other side)

Kitchen (walking in from Dining Room)

Kitchen (other side)

Back Room/Mud Room/Pantry/Laundry Room

Back yard

Pantry

Backyard /Deck (theres more on the other side of deck)

Bathroom

My Room (excuse the mess!)

Kid's Room from doorway (its small)

Kid's Room (from beds)

Thoughts and Wanderings

The past few days my brain has been buzzing with all kinds of thoughts. Thoughts ranging from the insane to the very dull. Oh....if you could only be inside my head! Well here's a try at it anyways. By the way, the Snoopy cartoon above is right on the money! :)

I've got a sink full of dishes, no clean clothes, and a half mown lawn that all needs taking care of. I have 1 day to do it. Monday.

Jon and I got to talk, twice, yeah! He told me he is putting in a packet to become a non-commissioned officer. What is that? Umm....something like an officer that doesn't really deal with people, but has to do something....something....I don't really know what that is though. :/

I'm trying to keep up with a Nehemiah study that I'm sort of doing with a great group of ladies. But when am I finding the time?! Ugh. I want to do it so bad, but I've only been home for such short spurts this past week. Usually just long enough to grab some food before leaving again.

I need LESS to do!

The Nehemiah study is SO good when I find time. I NEED to make time for this.

The dog needs to get another skin scrape and I think she still needs to finish her puppy shots. How much is all this going to cost? Oh well, it has to at least wait until payday. Poor doggy, she is so itchy. :(

Amara has some testing on the 1st and 2nd. I hope she can pay attention to do it all. Thats a long time for her to focus. Hmm....changing meds after she does the testing to try and get her ADHD under control. I hope the results come back quick.

Wow, crazy dreams I've been having. People I know are hanging people I love and chasing me like I'm the monster in an old horror flick. Scary. Glad I woke up from those!

I still have mice in the house. Man are they NOISY! Gotta call the pest control and get them to come do something about them. Great, just what I need, more to do.

OH yea, we need to do school work. Now where are those books?

The van needs to get cleaned out, its a mess, inside and out. The rest of the apartment stuff is still in the back and I know that some school books are somewhere in there, along with some snacks.

Does anyone else think in song? I mean like there is ALWAYS a song going on in my head. And then whenever I hear something or talk to someone, it usually triggers a song. Its crazy I know. It's even crazier when the person is being all serious and then I'm trying not to giggle because I have some strange song in my head because whatever they're talking about has triggered a few key words or phrases from the millions of songs I know and that song is now going on and on and on in my head!

Our cell phone bill was insane this past month. Stupid international roaming charges. Oh that reminds me, I have to do the bills for the next check and see how much we will have left to live on. But gas is down now, so at least that helps some.

The kids have Club FX (a big group time for K-5th graders) next Sunday. Tay will sit through it, but Amara usually doesn't and I have to play night service that night. What to do with Amara? Maybe she can hang out in the lobby on the couches while I play. She's not going to like that, oh well I guess.

Soccer practices Wednesday night, games on Saturday morning. I have to cater Saturday too. I'm not so sure I'm making enough to keep this up. I'm going to have to take a long hard look at this when I get a chance to breath.

I need to go to the grocery store. I need food in this house.

I still have 2 boxes that need to get unpacked to be officially "moved in" and I have pictures and shelves to hang. I hate hanging things. I need to buy a switcher before I unpack the Wii and hook it up because I don't have space for it. But Tay's been asking to play it, maybe I can find a way to do it without the switcher. Jon usually handles this stuff. Electronics hate me.

I'm so tired all the time. I wish I could actually sleep, or at the very least when I do sleep, to sleep well and not wake up every 30 minutes. I'm so stressed out and tired all the time. I need a vacation from all my responsibilities, including the kids, but thats not going to happen. Well, hopefully things will slow down a bit after this week.

Oh wait, I have to order Amara's end of year test. Which one am I going to get? *sigh...


Well, if you've stuck with me this far, the kudos to you! Thats a small peek into my thoughts. It's not pretty and organized like most of my posts, but right now, this is the best I can do. I hope your weeks have been easier than mine.

God bless!
-Mya

Secrets of a Navy Wife

So I've decided to do some installments on here called "Secrets of a Navy Wife". Basically these will be posts that go deeper into what its like  to be a Navy wife left back home with the kids. I'm note sure how often these will pop up, but trust me, they'll be worth the read. :)

There are some things that go on in any military wife's life that people on the outside can see. Things that they know, on the surface without having to think or be told, that she has to deal with. Being a single parent is one of them. Another is having to do the bills and handle all the finances while the husband is away. Some things that people don't think about are the fact that every home repair and all the yard work are now on her. But those aren't the type of things I want to talk about right now.

Right now I want to let you in on a secret that I haven't told many people. It's a secret of how I cope a little bit better with the fact that he's gone. It helps me sleep a little better. It makes my sad days a little less sad. It takes away some of that stress from the kids and the world. It comforts me. What's my secret? Well, when Jon is gone, I take his cologne, his favorite cologne that he wears every day after showering, and spray it on his pillow and on his sweatshirt (or mine). That way, when I lay down for bed at night (or a good cry), I smell him. When I'm feeling blue and toss on his big sweatshirt, I smell him.

Theres just something about smell. It holds memories and feelings like nothing else can. Maybe for you, the smell of apple pie makes you think of your Grandma, or the smell of orange blossoms, makes you think of wonderfully hot summer days. Massage therapists use aromatherapy (smells) to help you relax. Scent is a powerful tool. And thats how I make it a little bit better, a little bit easier, a little bit less cruddy. While I'm typing this, I'm wearing my new Enterprise sweatshirt thats been sprayed with Jon's cologne. Ever once in a while, I catch the scent and close my eyes, and I can almost picture Jon next to me on the couch. Its wonderful!




Another secret, is that a lot of times, it really annoys me when people ask how we're doing or how we are handling things with Jon being away. Now, please don't get me wrong. I know that most people ask because they truly care and want to know. But, sometimes people ask out of habit or because they feel like they have to. I HATE this. I've post things on Facebook and on this blog so I can avoid having to talk about things all the time. It hurts to have to re-live the same stories about how hard things are with Jon gone, or how he is having a hard time, over and over and over again. It hurts, almost to where I might cry, or can't talk, or breath. I know people mean well, but meaning well can hurt. While I'm on the subject, another secret is that Navy wives (or military wives in general) get lots of people who say things like "if you need anything call me", but when it comes down to it, they are just trying to be nice, but if you really need help, they can't or won't.

Again, don't get me wrong, meaning well is nice, and the thought of trying to help is nice. But sometimes, your "helping" can really be hurting. If you feel like I'm pointing the finger at you, then maybe you're guilty of doing these things. I know I've been guilty of "meaning well" and not following through. I know that I've been trying to change how I respond to those "meaning well" people (because I can be very bitter), and how I speak to other families who's spouse is away. It's hard. It takes a lot of conscious effort to not vacantly ask how someone is doing and then walk away and forget about what they said. Instead, I've been trying to ask questions like, "what are some things you need help with?" or "what can i pray about for you?" or "what can I do to help you?" and either write it down or schedule it there on the spot. I'm not saying I do this every time, but I'm working on it.

I hope you've enjoyed this first installment of "Secrets of a Navy Wife". Questions or comments are welcomed and if you have a specific topic you'd like me to address, please let me know.

<3 to ALL,
Mya

Soccer...Soccer...Soccer...

Saturday the girls got to fulfill a dream that they've had for quite a while. They FINALLY got to play soccer on a team! And they are/were thrilled. They've asked for a few years now to play soccer, but we always miss the sign-ups because they are months before the season starts. Well, we lucked out and got two spots on the YMCA team the week before they started. :) The girls both did great, especially for never having played on a team before. It looks like Amara will be playing Goalie, because she really wants to! I also got talked into Coaching a team (I know, I know, like I don't have enough to do?!). It actually isn't supposed to take up too much time, and since I will be there for practices and games anyways, I said why not?! So I will be coaching Tay's team (because Amara didn't want me to coach hers, go figure).

Amara used her phone for the first time this weekend. She got upset at church and called me. Unfortunately, it wasn't before she had started screaming and yelling, but it was before she hit/kicked or threw anything. So....an improvement I guess? I'm counting it as a win. She used the phone for what its meant for, and made a real effort to call me and calm down before getting upset. It's a work in progress, but I'm hopeful that it will help in the long run.


My arm is doing much better this week. I'm completely out of the sling and have full movement in my arm (yeah!). It's still a little weak, and hurts if I move it the wrong way, but I can clean, cook and play bass, so I'm happy! We've been busy doing school work (or trying to) and home improvements. Jon is doing okay. Work is hard right now for them and there is some dangerous stuff going on overseas, as you've probably seen on the news. I am thankful that we get to talk when they are in port and that he has easy access to his email. Those two perks definitely make the deployment easier. I'm getting ready to send out a care package to him. I'm trying to think of good things to put in it and I have some ideas. I know that people have asked about sending care packages, and yes, Jon would love to hear from people and get some things from home. If you are interested in either contributing to a package I send, or sending one yourself, please contact me. I can give you a list of things he might like or need, and his mailing address. Thank you all for the prayers. We are very thankful to have such wonderful friends who care about us.


"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy" (Phillipians 1:3-4)


Love you all! -Mya

Changes Ahead

Right now our family is going through a lot of changes. Changes can be good, they can also be scary. Especially when you know things are changing for you, but your not sure why.

I hurt my arm last week and have had to take things very slow. If you know me, oh know that I not slow own for anything. Well, I didn't really have a choice because I've been in a sling. I like to do things on my own and I don't like having to ask for help. Especially with everyday things that I should be Ble to do. Well, being one handed, I had to get help. I couldn't lift pans out the oven, fold laundry, or even help my 5yr old properly wash her thick hair. That was a big deal for me to get help. But I was and am so blessed to have friends who care for us and are willing to help. Thank you to those who helped us!

But, I was talking about changes and there I go off topic again. Amara had a good week. Both kids have cell phones, nd I dont know if it's knowing thy can reh us anytime, or just a good week, but so far so good. I also took a break from the choir and band. Playing music/leading worship is something I've always felt called to. Now is no different. But with everything happening in our family, I feel like God is calling me to focus on my family right now. This is hard for me. I love leading worship! I've helped lead worship in some capacity for the past 9 yrs at Liberty. Taking a brek was not in my plans, but apparently it was in God's. And I can't argue with that.

I feel like God has been pulling us away from things. From friends, church activities, things we love. And it's always hard when you leave something behind, but I fel it's even harder when you can't understand why. So I have all the why's and what if's running through my head. Why do I feel like I'm losing my friends? Why do we have to give up oing things we like? What is all this for? Is Sgod preparing us to move away, or just move on? How do I plan or the next school year if we not know here we will be? Do I go ahead like we are staying? Or do I wait? There's so many questions and very few answers. Its frustrating, and frankly there's a lot of times when I'm just angry with God. And I dont think there's anything wrong with being angry at God. He is patient and waits for me to stop throwing my tantrum so that He can speak to me. but I think about my kids when I think of being angry at God. I tell my kids sometimes that when they're angry, I can't speak to them, because they won't listen. And then sometimes, I have to tell them that they just have to wait until they're older, or later, until they will understand why something happened. I feel like that's what God is telling me now. "just wait, be patient. I know you don't understand why this is happening, but I do and I will protect you. Trust Me." but it's hard.

So here we are, in a state of limbo (or so it seems). Waiting on answers. Waiting on God.

Love to all,
Mya

A Mood Disorder Blog

This is the standard picture we get at appointments. How do you feel? Point to a face and tell us. Well...we had to add another face because "angry" isn't on there.


I happened across this blog and had to share it with all of you. This woman describes so perfectly what its like to live with a child with a mood disorder. Please read this older post of hers, I think it will give you some real insight into what its like. If you want to read more, head over to her blog My Son Has 2 Brains: A Mood Disorder Blog: Rages: and check out the "important posts" on the right side.


With Love,
Mya

I never imagined when I held my newborn son that someday I’d be trained by a therapist how to “hold” my son while he’s in a rage. If you’ve never witnessed a child you love go into an uncontrollable rage, let me try and paint you the picture. 

You’re starting your morning out by feeding your children when you realize that you’re all out of bagels. Now most parents would just roll their eyes, add bagels to the grocery list, then search for another food to serve for breakfast. But for a parent with a mood disorder child, your reaction is much more intense. You start to feel panic and your heart races a little (as mine is now as I recall this common event), then you jump into deep waters as you tell your son that “sorry we’re all out of bagels”. Then you switch over to your defensive mode as you prepare for his response.

Now on some days, you’re elated to see that it’s no problem and that oatmeal will be just as good, then other times you watch with fear as your son starts to rev up. His tone becomes louder and he throws his dish across the counter as he knocks his chair over yelling “FINE, THEN I’ll GO HUNGRY SINCE THERE’S NOTHING TO EAT!!!” Then the behavior intensifies as he runs upstairs. As you follow, to get him back downstairs, he starts to throw stuff at you, then purposely knocks over furniture and begins throwing things at his brothers. In hopes to stop his progression, I use 1,2,3 Magic (a timeout method taught by our doctor). Once he gets to “3”, I tell him he has to go into a timeout. That’s usually where things become more severe. Within moments he’s punched or kicked one of his innocent brothers or myself. As you try and physically stop his punches by placing him into a hold, he turns into a wild animal. He begins to scream uncontrollably, he even begins to growl at you, while his head thrashes around, trying to “head-butt” you or he stretches to bite you, which he has many times. He uses his feet to stomp on your own feet and kicks at anything he can. With all the adrenalin that’s pumping through his body, he becomes much stronger than he normally is. The entire time you’re trying your best to remain calm (because if you escalate, he’ll follow). Having been there before, you know that things can get worse. You become afraid of your own child, yet are desperate to protect your other kids, taking all the abuse you can.

Being a petite woman, my son is fast approaching my height and it’s physically challenging to maintain control. I’ve been trained by our therapist to become a wrestler, to maneuver my body around my son’s so I can safely hold my son in a position while he fights against me, as we wait for his body to calm back down. This sounds so much easier than it is, I’ve found that I’m not very good at wrestling. In fact, recently I received a “head-butt” to my face that caused me to bite my tongue and bleed. I should’ve kept my head to the right of his, but when you’re in the moment, it’s so difficult to remember those small, yet important details.
Last summer, we were taught to put our son into his room and keep the door closed so he could let his rage out in a confined space away from other people, keeping us all safe. In our early attempts to do this, my son slammed a chair through his door, yep, I had chair legs pointing at me through a gaping hole he put in his door. After that, during timeouts, he’d use this hole to stab his play swords at me through the hole as I held the door. But quickly our therapist advised us to put particle board on the entire inside of his door so he could beat up the door without coming through it and to use a lock on the door to avoid the constant struggle of holding him in. The less interaction he had, the quicker he’d calm back down. 

My son’s rages can be felt in advance with subtle signs such as irritability, rudeness or negativity, but unfortunately, you can’t tell the moment that will cause the explosion. Will it be the word “no” when he’s told he can’t have more cookies, will it be losing a game with his brothers, will it be over feelings of frustration over his homework or will it be the fact that I don’t have anymore bagels? Without knowing, we’re all learning to walk on eggshells. 

But one thing is for certain, after a rage our son will return to his sweet, respectful and considerate self. If you asked him why he was attacking his mom, he’d say “I don’t know why.” 

As I type this blog, it’s ironic that I was just interrupted by my son going into a rage. At this moment I’m still recovering. Thankfully, my husband just came home and took over. I’m sweating, my heart is pounding, my stomach is sick from the stress of the situation. My hand is swelled in pain from trying to hold the door closed after my son broke the lock on his bedroom door after I put him into his timeout. I was bit, hit, kicked. Shoes were thrown at my head and a toy with a sharp tip was held up like he was going to stab me with it. I was able to take it away. I know that downstairs, where the rage began, our house has been messed up with things thrown about. Emotionally I feel abused, I’m trying not to cry, I feel very sad for my other children who heard me screaming in pain. I’m still upset with my son right now, but in about 30 minutes, I’ll be able to let it go and once again remember that this is his illness, not my son that just attacked me when I tried to send him into a timeout for being mean to his little brother.